When I Get Home
by leviohhsa
Summary: Sirius Black begins to have feelings for someone that he should not have feelings for, or so he thinks.
1. I Want to Hold Your Hand

"Sirius, where are you?" James' voice crackled over the phone.

"Um, well… I _might_ be in the city, in an alley out back of a concert," Sirius winced as he said this, preparing for the onslaught of James' disguised worry.

He took a deep breath and leaned against the concrete wall.

"And, you couldn't tell anyone? You've been gone for three days, mate. We've been worried about you. Why haven't you been answering your phone?" Sirius could hear James' anger just beneath the surface of his concern.

He knew he couldn't tell James the truth. He couldn't explain that he was suffocating in the apartment with him and Lily. That his days working at the record store were beginning to drag and make his hands itchy. That he had been drinking a little bit more every weekend, getting a little more fucked up each time. Truth be told, Sirius didn't know what was wrong or why things were getting bad again.

"I just… I needed to get out. I'm sorry, Prongs."

He could hear James sigh over the phone, "Okay, well, when are you coming home?"

Sirius knew he couldn't hide any longer. He'd have to return sooner or later. Jumping from bar to bar and spending each night with a different guy was beginning to take a toll on him, anyways. He'd never admit it but, he had missed his friends.

"I'll be home later tonight. See you then."

"Okay. And, Padfoot?" James voice got quieter.

"Yeah, mate?"

"Be careful."

It was three in the morning when Sirius slowly opened the front door to the tiny apartment he shared with Lily and James. Someone had left the small kitchen light on, presumably for him. As he began his way down the hallway towards his bedroom, he heard a noise. Sirius backtracked, peeking into the living room to find Remus Lupin fast asleep on the couch. His knees were brought up to his chest and his hair was sticking up in every direction, seemingly defying gravity. Sirius sat down on the floor, his back leaning against the couch. He knew he shouldn't wake him, he looked so peaceful but Sirius couldn't help it. He looked equally uncomfortable.

Sirius shook Remus' shoulder, "Moony… Wake up… Come on, you can sleep in my bed, I'll take the couch… Moony."

Remus' eyes slowly opened, his pupils trying to become accustomed to the dark.

"Sirius? You're home. Thank god. I was-I was so worried about you." Remus mumbled.

"I know, I know. Why the hell are you out here on this couch? You should have slept in my room. You're way too tall for this rubbish thing. You would have been so sore in the morning," Sirius laughed at Remus' expression as he finally stretched his legs.

"I knew you would wake me up when you got home," and then under his breath, "well, _if_ you got home." Remus allowed Sirius to take his hand and hoist him up off of the couch.

"I said I would come home and I did. Now, let's get some sleep," Sirius voice deepened with authority.

The two tired boys made their way down the hall to Sirius' bedroom. He flung open the door, not turning on the light as Remus plopped down, instantly pulling the covers over his head. Sirius peered through the darkness. There were still glasses and beer bottles lined up on his dresser, the room smelled stale from being left alone for an extended period, and there were at least three pairs of dirty boxers stuffed up against the wall next to his hamper. If Remus had been fully awake and functioning, Sirius would be enduring Remus' favorite lecture. James called it the "Mama Remus' Soapbox" and Sirius endured it at least once a week.

However, Remus was already beginning to fall back asleep. He looked exhausted. The worry lines in his face were just beginning to fade as his breathing got slower. Sirius looked at his dear friend and immediately felt guilty. How could he have left his friends to worry so much? Why didn't he just tell them what he was doing or where he was going? Most importantly, what stopped Sirius from voicing his feelings? He knew that although their friendship was mostly based around fun times and jokes, none of his closest friends would hesitate to lend an ear or a helping hand.

When James and Lily broke up for a short period of time a few summers ago, James was a complete and utter wreck. The whole group had stopped at nothing to put him back together (including watching " _Dirty Dancing"_ for two weeks straight while James pretended not to cry.) When Remus got diagnosed with depression last autumn and couldn't get out of bed for a week, Sirius had come over and stayed at his apartment. He watered his plants and made sure that Remus ate, even dragging him into the bathroom, putting him the shower fully clothed, and washing his hair. They had all been there when Peter's mom died, accompanying him to the funeral and making sure he could say a proper goodbye. Sirius had watched as Remus had scooped Lily up off the ground when she had had her first panic attack. They were no strangers to each other's issues.

Sirius rubbed his eyes as the exhaustion of his latest bender washed over him. He looked longingly at the empty side of his bed, not wanting to curl his long legs up onto that god-awful couch. He knew Remus wouldn't care, they had slept in the same bed more times than he could count. But that was all before Sirius had come out. He didn't know if things were different now that Remus knew he was gay. At this point, he didn't care, he just wanted to sleep.

Sirius, not even bothering to change, crawled under the covers and let out a deep sigh.

"Sirius, are you okay?" A small whisper came from deep within the blanket.

Sirius was taken aback, thinking that Remus had been sound asleep. He didn't know how to answer. He didn't want to lie anymore.

"Not really, Moony," He whispered back, matter-of-factly.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Not really," Sirius sighed, just admitting that he wasn't okay was enough for tonight.

He just needed someone to know. Someone to cling onto when his brain was swirling around in outer space.

Without thinking about it, he reached out his hand and found Remus' underneath the sheets. He held onto it, wrapping his fingers tightly around Remus' warm hand. When Remus stayed silent and didn't hold onto him back, Sirius quickly slid his hand out from his.

"I'm sor-" Sirius began.

"S'okay," Remus mumbled breathlessly, taking Sirius' hand back into his own, this time, holding on tightly.

"I get it." Remus stated, before dozing off to sleep.

Sirius didn't sleep at all that night.

When Sirius woke up the next morning, he was alone. He blearily rubbed his eyes and tried to adjust to the sunlight streaming through his curtains. He looked around and noticed that there were no longer any beer bottles or glasses on his dresser, his dirty laundry was tucked away in his hamper, and the window was open a crack, bringing fresh air into the room. Sirius smirked.

He stretched, letting out a big yawn and piled his mess of long, unwashed, black hair on the top of his head in a bun. He reached for his phone, which he assumed Remus had plugged in for him because he sure as hell didn't last night. _Remus J Lupin: Angel on Earth,_ Sirius thought as he unlocked the screen. _._ It was 12:30 in the afternoon and he had five unread text messages, two missed calls, and one voicemail. Sirius knew he couldn't deal with all of that before coffee.

He crawled out of bed, finally feeling how dirty his body actually was. He had mud all over his jeans and he reeked of cigarettes and cheap beer. After three days, he longed for a warm shower.

"Look who's home!" A sharp voice sounded from the kitchen as Sirius came out of his bedroom.

Lily, who had probably been up for hours, was brewing a pot of coffee. Her fiery hair was pulled back into a tight ponytail. She was wearing her gym clothes, her sneakers still unlaced.

Sirius sneered at her, "Ugh, how can you possibly even consider going to the gym at this hour?" He thankfully took the mug of coffee she offered him.

"Sirius, it's almost one in the afternoon. And, you don't work out at any hour _,_ " she retorted.

Sirius rolled his eyes, dismissing the fact that she was right and took a big gulp of coffee.

Lily looked at him with disgust, "What I don't get it how you can drink that black. I need at _least_ three sugars before I can even _think_ of drinking it."

"Not all of us are weak, Evans," Sirius smirked.

Lily, not drinking any coffee herself, opened the fridge and pulled out a protein shake.

"So, Remus slept in your room last night? I caught him leaving this morning." There was an insinuation in her tone.

"Yes, because that god-awful couch you bought at the flea market is the equivalent of sleeping on rocks and there was no way I was letting him take the 3AM bus. He's too fragile."

"Sirius... Do you like him?" Lily was not one to beat around the bush.

He was baffled.

"No! The scrawny ones aren't my type. However, if your boyfriend keeps bulking up, you better watch out." Sirius downed the rest of his coffee and made his way to the shower.

Sirius stood underneath the hot water for far too long, letting it turn his skin pink. He imagined the past three days washing off of him. All the different bars, all the different guys. He closed his eyes and imagined each touch of the skin being erased by the steam that was quickly surrounding him.

 _But not last night_ , he thought.

 _Wait, what?_

Sirius' brain halted and his eyes opened.

Yes, he held Remus' hands but that was out of friendship. It didn't mean anything. Remus was just reaching out to him and letting him know that he wasn't alone. There was nothing more to it! It was just Lily interfering with his thoughts. He could never have any sexual feelings for someone that _ironed_ his _socks._

Sirius shook the thoughts out of his head as he turned the shower off and got out. He stood in front of the fogged up mirror, his towel wrapped around his waist. He brought his finger to the mirror and wrote, "Sod off, Evans" in the center of a poorly-drawn heart. He smiled at his handiwork.

He staggered into his now-clean room and made sure to throw his dirty laundry _into_ the hamper as to avoid Mama Remus' Tirade. He tugged on a fresh pair of dark jeans and a White Stripes t-shirt. He took his hair back into a bun and stared into his dusty bedroom mirror. He looked like trash and he did not care.

Sirius had almost forgotten that it was a Wednesday night. When they all graduated, it quickly became apparent how hard it was to keep in touch. So, James and Lily decided that it was time to establish a Family Dinner Night to keep them all together. Now, every Wednesday night, the whole gang comes over and Remus and Lily try to make an edible dinner. Approximately an hour later, James orders take out.

Sirius hadn't realized what day it was until Remus Lupin walked through the front door with grocery bags and his heart skipped a beat.

 _Shit._


	2. I Don't Want to Spoil the Party

"Um, I could use some help here, Princess," Remus groaned, struggling with the bags laced around his wrists. Remus never took two trips.

Sirius stared at him for another moment and then quickly sprang to action, taking the bags from Remus' arms and setting them on the dining room table. He began taking the contents out, one by one.

"What's for dinner tonight, Moony?" Sirius asked with a tone of forced normalcy.

"Well, Lily wanted to make chicken parmigiana…" Remus began.

"So… thai food?" Sirius chuckled.

"Most likely." Remus ceded.

Lily swept into the kitchen, her reading glasses perched on her nose and an ancient cookbook in her hands. She ignored the two of them and began rummaging through the cupboard seemingly searching for ingredients.

"Basil, Remus, we need basil!" Lily screeched.

"If it is that important, Lily, I will go back to the store to get basil," he responded, calmly.

Under his breath and with a hint of a smile on his lips, Sirius asked, "She's really taking tonight seriously, isn't she?"

Remus dismissed the comment and announced to Lily that he and Sirius would go to the store to pick up fresh basil and be back as soon as possible. Lily, who seemed as if she had already moved on to trying to select the appropriate pot to boil the pasta in, waved her hand as if to dismiss them.

Sirius slipped his shoes on and grabbed his jacket off the coat hook (which he did not recall ever placing there.)

"Yeah, sure, Remus, I'll go to the store with you, thank you so much for asking!" He intoned just loud enough for Remus to hear.

Once in Remus' beat-up Volkswagen, Sirius began flipping through the radio stations as Remus pulled out onto the road. Sirius loved Remus' car. It was well-worn and definitely could use some work, but it was warm, clean, and always smelled like french vanilla coffee. Remus had looked so victorious as he handed over a check of a summer's worth of hours at the coffee shop. He had quickly enforced rules for every passenger in his car. Except for himself, no one was to eat, drink, or leave stray receipts in his car. If any of them were to violate one of Remus' laws, they were not to be allowed back in it until Remus would finally give in. Sirius took a deep breath and settled on an alternative indie station. He glanced over at Remus, hands firmly placed on the steering wheel at 10 and 2, brow furrowed as he navigated his way through five o'clock traffic. He was being uncharacteristically quiet, especially with Sirius playing a song that had at least one banjo blasting through the old speakers.

"Moony, you okay?" Sirius asked, as he turned the volume down on the stereo.

Remus sighed and tightened his grip on the wheel.

"Sirius, the reason I'm driving another 15 minutes out in terrible traffic for basil isn't just because Lily terrifies me," he began, "In fact, the reason she's acting extra tyrannical about Family Dinner tonight is because we're going to have a special guest."

Sirius looked across the console at Remus with confusion.

"Who could possibly be coming that would be causing such a ruckus?" Sirius laughed.

"Well, um, my girlfriend."

Sirius offered to go into the store to grab the basil and insisted he knew where to find it. Remus nodded and promptly changed the radio station as soon as Sirius unbuckled his seat belt.

 _That's great! He deserves someone,_ Sirius made himself think.

 _But why do I feel like my lungs are slowly constricting?_ was the thought that followed.

He walked through the automatic doors and made a beeline for the liquor aisle, disregarding the herbs and spices completely.

 _Champagne. That's what we need. Tonight is a celebration!_

He picked up a bottle of whiskey as well.

He opened the car door, the bottles and single package of fresh basil clinking together in the bag as he placed it between his legs.

Remus raised his eyebrows, "What's the alcohol for?"

"Well, it's a celebration, isn't it?" Sirius faked a smile, "besides, she's gonna need something to get her through meeting all of us."

Remus' eyes widened, "You're probably right."

Lily graciously took the bag from Sirius as soon as he walked into the flat.. Her smile widened when she saw the bottles of liquor.

"Good idea, Black."

He nodded in reply and quickly withdrew a glass, poured a bit of whiskey and took a gulp.

"Whoa there, Padfoot, let's not get ahead of ourselves," James warned as he strode into the dining room, ruffling his hair.

James picked up the bottle and, when Lily's back was turned, took a swig.

He winced,"You got the good stuff, Paddy, what's the occasion?"

"Oh, you haven't heard the news? Our boy Remus here, is bringing a young lady here tonight," Sirius explained, taking another hearty swig.

James sensed something in Sirius' voice but let it go for the time being.

"I heard! When is she coming, Moony?"

Sirius glanced at the digital clock on the microwave and saw that it was nearly six thirty. His stomach grumbled and he realized that all that was in his stomach was the coffee Lily had made him that afternoon.

"Should be here any second, actually," Remus cheeks reddened.

"James, dear, would you and Sirius go set the table, please?" Lily interrupted, a stack of plates in her hands.

James took the plates and planted a swift kiss on her cheek. He handed half of the plates off to Sirius and they made their way to the table.

"So… what do you know about her, Prongs?" Sirius asked, nonchalantly.

"I think Remus wants to make a grand introduction, so Lily has kept me mostly in the dark. But they gossip like old ladies so I'm sure she knows all about this mystery girlfriend. All I know is that they started dating a few months ago."

Sirius thought back to Remus' actions and demeanor during the previous weeks. He couldn't pinpoint any difference. Then again, Sirius had been on one of his escapades for quite some time. He had spent about three weeks in Vegas, weaving in and out of varying states of intoxication. When he had come home Lily, James, Remus, and Peter had sat him down and tried a bit of an "intervention" on him, mainly because he hadn't told anyone he was going. The truth was, he didn't even really realize he was going until he was on the plane. Sirius recalled trying to sneak into the flat at three in the morning the night he flew home. He had made it to his bedroom and had plopped on top of his bed and subsequently on top of a sleeping Remus. Remus had startled awake, falling onto the floor, spewing a string of curses. When Remus had saw that it was Sirius, he had immediately stopped cursing and threw his arms around him. A few seconds later, however, he pulled back, his face grim.

"You never called any of us, Sirius. We didn't know where you were."

"I know," is all Sirius could reply.

A loud snore coming from the carpet near the foot of the bed snapped the tension between them. Sirius peered through the darkness and found Peter, curled up on the floor, mouth open and drooling.

Sirius didn't think any of them had fully forgiven him for not telling them where he was. He knew he should have called but his phone battery was dead the whole trip and he never really stopped long enough to feel guilty about his actions.

A knock on the door broke Sirius out of his reverie.

"Hello! Welcome!" Sirius heard Lily merrily shout from the front door.

"Hi, Lily! Thank you so much for having me over!" The voice in the doorway replied.

Sirius paused.

He knew that voice.

He had grown up with that voice.

A tall girl with bright pink hair walked into the dining room.

"Sirius!" The girl said cheerily.

"Nymphadora…" Sirius replied, a shock going through his whole body.

Sirius sat at the table, his glass of whiskey in hand, dazed. Remus was dating his cousin, Nymphadora Tonks. He adored Tonks and had suffered through countless real family dinners with her by his side. However, her presence at this table was incredibly off-putting. He wasn't even entirely sure how Tonks and Remus knew each other, let alone how they had become close enough to date. James nudged him under the table and gave him a reassuring look.

"Nymphadora, how did you and our Remus meet?" Peter asked, scooping another serving of spaghetti onto his plate. Lily beamed from across the table at the sight of people eating her food (and not spitting it out.) Peter had arrived as Lily had given up on waiting for him and began serving out helpings.

"I actually go by Tonks, but Sirius seemed to have forgotten that earlier," Sirius' eyes shot towards her, sheepishly, "but, Remus and I met at the coffee shop! He messed up my order about three times before he finally managed to get it right. He must have been flustered." Tonks eyes sparkled and she let out a laugh.

Remus smiled at her and cleared his throat, "I guess I must have been."

The night continued without incident. Sirius kept refilling his glass, having a side of chicken parmigiana with his whiskey. By dessert, he could feel the alcohol buzzing in his legs and permeate through his mostly-empty stomach. Peter looked at him worriedly when he stood up and swayed.

"You alright, mate?" Peter whispered.

"Perfectly perfect, Wormy. Just need a smoke." Sirius slurred slightly.

He slipped his hand into the pocket of his leather jacket slung over the chair and withdrew his pack of cigarettes and his Zippo. James and Lily cast a knowing look between them but Sirius ignored them and staggered toward the fire escape.

"If you'll excuse me…" he said as an afterthought. The manners his parents taught him still hadn't _completely_ left him.

He crawled out the window, shutting it behind him and stood on the rickety fire escape. He lit the cigarette and took a long drag. The nicotine entered his system and he let out a sigh of relief. He didn't want to admit it to himself but he was craving something a bit stronger. He let his drunken thoughts wander as he overlooked the city of London. He watched a drunk couple stumble along the sidewalk, cigarettes in hand. He listened to the far away beeping of Saturday night traffic and the fall wind ruffling the leaves. He closed his eyes and twilled the wind erase his thoughts, but, to no avail. One such thought was plaguing him, _Why do I feel jealous?_

As he ashed the cigarette, the window slid open behind him. It was James. He held a cup of black coffee in one hand and a piece of chocolate in the other.

"The coffee is from Lily, the chocolate from Moony," he explained, gruffly.

Sirius' heart rose as he took the mug and slipped the chocolate into his mouth. Remus always knew the right time for a little bit of comfort food. It was a super power of his. He could always tell exactly when any of the members of the group needed some chocolate therapy and he never failed to deliver. When Lily was suffering from the worst of cramps, Remus would appear in the kitchen, with dark chocolate cupcakes, slathered in frosting and topped with Reese's. The week Sirius had tried to quit smoking, Remus had left a little Andes mint chocolate bar on his pillow every night.

Now, the chocolate melted in Sirius' mouth and he allowed himself to smile.

"I needed that," Sirius said.

"He always knows when you do," James replied, not bothering to hide his amazement, "Need anything else?"

"Nah, thank you, though. I might go for stroll, try to sober up a bit. I drank a bit too much and I don't want to ruin the party," he replied innocently.

"You always do," James winked and made his way back into the flat.

Sirius had escaped just as the five of them began playing a rousing game of charades. He could not stomach the thought of being inside playing dinner party games right now. He made his way down to the sidewalk and began walking the same path the drunken couple had taken earlier. He took out another cigarette and smoked it unceremoniously. He knew where he would go.

Club Orchid was one of Sirius' old haunts. He hadn't been in years, but tonight felt like a good night to revisit some old memories. The place smelled of stale beer and cheap perfume, and he loved it. He sat at an all too familiar bar stool and flagged down his favorite bartender, Louis.

"Long time, no see, Sirius. What would you like?" Louis winked.

Sirius smiled at him and said, "Whiskey sour. Make it a double."

Louis went to work making the drink and Sirius took a moment to examine him. Louis hadn't changed much since Sirius stopped frequenting the club, if anything he had gotten bulkier. He had broad shoulders and short, brown hair that he gelled upwards. Sirius had hooked up with him a few times, back in the day. It was nothing more than a quick snog in the men's toilet but at the time, Sirius still hadn't come out and the rendezvous had an air of sexy secrecy about it.

Louis slid the glass in front of Sirius, "On the house, handsome."

Sirius smiled and took a sip. It was strongest, and therefore, the best whiskey sour he had ever tasted.

After another four whiskey sours and a shot of tequila, Louis asked, "Anything else?"

"You." Sirius slurred.

"I'm off in 15 minutes, but I can split early…" Louis replied, breathlessly.

A half an hour later, Sirius found himself inside the biggest flat he had ever been in. Not that he really got a chance to look around because as soon as he and Louis boarded the lift, Louis' tongue was in his mouth. Sirius accepted the kisses and gladly felt how much bulkier Louis had gotten firsthand. The lift dinged, indicating they had reached their floor. They momentarily parted long enough to exit the lift and allow Louis to unlock his door. Sirius slammed the door behind them, pushing Louis toward the couch. His heart was beating fast and the alcohol was blurring the edge of his vision, but a warm body and the tongue sliding down his neck felt so good.

Louis lifted Sirius' shirt above his head and began trailing his tongue down Sirius' neck, down his stomach and just underneath the waistband of his jeans. Louis continued teasing him, his hand feeling the rise in Sirius' pants and his mouth fiercely kissing his neck.

"Fuck, Remus.'

Louis giggled, "What was that?"

Sirius felt his body instantly sober up. He lept up from the couch, practically knocking Louis sideways. He pulled his shirt over his head and made his way to the door.

"I'm sorry, I have to go," he barely got the words out as he slammed the door, bypassed the lift, and took the steps two at a time.


	3. Like Dreamers Do

Sirius knocked on the door impatiently. He hadn't know where to go at first. He knew he absolutely could not go home. The dinner party was surely still going on and he was not prepared to pretend he was okay.

The door opened to Alice Longbottom in a polka dot pajama set, a glass of wine in hand.

"Sirius? Is everything okay?" She furrowed her brow in concern.

"Well, er… not really. Look, can I just come in?" Sirius replied, staring down at his shoes.

"Yeah of co-" she began.

"Who is it, dear?" Frank Longbottom's voice came from somewhere inside the apartment.

Alice answered his question by swinging the door open further, revealing Sirius.

Sirius smiled feebly and Alice moved aside, allowing him space to come in. He carefully removed his jacket, hanging it on the DIY-inspired coat rack adjacent to the door. He slipped off his shoes and walked into the Longbottom's incredibly homey kitchen. The dishes were carefully placed and drying next to the sink, a vanilla scented candle was lit on the bar, and Alice wasted no time offering him a much-needed glass of wine.

"I don't mean to offend, but you look like hell," Frank told him.

Sirius took a sip of the proffered moscato and laughed.

"No offense taken. I agree," he replied.

An hour later, Sirius was sitting at the Longbottom's kitchen table, a mug of decaf black coffee in front of him and Alice's hand squeezing his.

He had told them everything. He couldn't hold it in anymore and he couldn't keep lying to himself. He told them what had happened with Louis and how it had felt to hold Remus' hand. He talked about how he felt misplaced betrayal when Tonks had walked into his kitchen only hours earlier. Alice had listened, offering advice where she could. Frank nodded sternly, sympathy woven into his frown.

When he had finished talking, Sirius took a deep, ragged breath and slumped back in his chair. His body felt truly exhausted and his throat was scratchy from talking for so long.

"Well, Sirius, it's hard to give advice because it's not an easy situation. Maybe these feelings will pass and you can just continue to be friends," Frank spoke quietly.

Sirius nodded, "I'm not going to risk our entire friendship on a few weird feelings."

Sirius steeled himself, he had to make a decision right then and there about what he was going do. _Shut the feelings down and do not ruin your friendship with him_ , he thought over and over again, allowing the thoughts to mask over everything that had happened.

"It'll get better soon, hun," Alice said, reassuringly.

After insisting he was okay to go home for the night, Sirius gave each of them a hug, thanking them profusely for listening. He left their home with a promise that they would get together again soon.

Sirius zipped up his jacket and watched his breath form in the cold air. He reached into his pocket to retrieve a cigarette only to realize that the pack was empty. He sighed and changed direction towards the nearest petrol station.

It's not that he needed to smoke, he just liked having something to do with his hands while he thought. He was fidgety and smoking made him feel slightly better, allowing him to separate his thoughts from one another. He had attempted to quit many times and had been forced to sit through many lectures given by Remus and Peter, both of whom had never smoked a cigarette in their lives, god bless them. Lily and James never seriously smoked but would often come up to him at parties, asking for a smoke and his lighter. He had always obliged, knowing that neither of them would ever pick up the habit themselves.

Sirius' phone buzzed. He hadn't checked it since he left the apartment hours ago.

Where are you? read a text from both James and, to his dismay, Remus.

He quickly replied to James, telling him that he was on his way back. He left Remus' message to itself, not knowing how to talk to him just quite yet. He knew Remus would probably be upset with him. Sirius had left in the middle of Remus' important dinner with seemingly no explanation.

He walked into the Mobil station and made his way to the candy aisle. He scooped up two Snickers, a KitKat bar, and a handful of Reese's Cups, Remus' favorites. Sirius hoped that the chocolate would stand as a peace offering because he was terrible at actually saying he was sorry. He stopped and picked up an orange soda for Peter, a pack of gummy worms for James, and a big bottle of cream soda for Lily (who would be the most offended at Sirius' abrupt departure during her dinner.) He asked for a pack of Turkish Royals and swiped his card, leaving with copious amounts of junk food, his cigarettes, and a wink from the bespectacled gas station clerk.

He felt better. He had talked it out and now it all seemed ridiculous. Of course he didn't have feelings for Remus. It was absurd to even imagine that he would want to climb into bed with the boy that broke his nose just stepping on James' skateboard in third year. Not to mention, Remus was not Sirius' type. He was tall and lanky, covering his wiry torso in sweaters and his long legs in dark jeans or corduroys. He was always reading with his glasses perched at the end of his nose, which infuriated Sirius. Whenever he saw Remus poring over a book or magazine, he wanted to smack the material out of his hand and push the glasses up his nose. Besides, he could never be with someone that prefered _Star Trek_ over _Star Wars_. It was decided. They would remain friends and Sirius would go back to the petrol station later that week to ask for the clerk's number.

Sirius opened the door to an empty apartment. The kitchen had been cleaned, the dishes put away, and a plate of leftovers sat on the counter with "For Padfoot, the Dinner Ditcher, Love Lily" written across the plastic wrap in permanent marker. Sirius smiled. All was well, then. She would never had made him a plate like that if she was upset. In fact, she would have trashed the rest of the leftovers altogether or put a padlock on the fridge. She had done it before and he had no doubt she would do it again. He put the plate in the microwave and set the timer. He placed his bag of groceries on the table and pulled out his phone once more. Remus had texted him again.

Padfoot, what's going on? -Moony

Sirius sighed and stared at his phone, trying to think normal thoughts and come up with an acceptable response.

I drank too much and went for a walk. Got lost. Proceed to tell me how utterly stupid I am. How did the rest of the night go? -Padfoot

He typed and then immediately erased it. It sounded heavy with an excuse.

Drank too much and needed air. Sorry, mate. -Padfoot

He hit send before he could change his mind.

The timer beeped and he took out his food and realized he had lost his appetite.

The next morning, Sirius attempted to make up for the previous night's events as he served breakfast for James and Lily. They exchanged wary looks as he offered each of them a plate of bacon.

"Don't you want eggs and maybe some toast with that, Pads?" James asked, cautiously.

Sirius didn't cook. He was terrible at it.

Lily caught Sirius' eye, smiled, and jumped down from the bar stool. She pulled out a frying pan from the cabinet and began frying up some eggs.

"We'd be lost without her…" James whispered, admiringly.

Sirius chuckled and nodded his head in agreement.

"While you were off galavanting around town last night," Lily began, "we played a riotous game of charades and even started a round of Truth or Dare."

"Started?" Sirius asked.

"Yes, why don't you tell Sirius why we never got to finish, dear?" Lily inquired pointedly of James.

"I might have dared Peter to drink every time Tonks said, 'like...'" James said, regret filling his eyes.

Just then, their conversation was interrupted by a soft moan coming from a lump of blankets on the living room floor. Sirius watched as Peter, with great difficulty, extracted himself from his cocoon. His sandy blonde hair stuck up in every direction and he had big purple bags underneath his eyes. His shirt had stains spattered across the front, their sources questionable, and he wasn't wearing pants.

"Sorry to wake you up there, mate." James told Peter, humor in his voice.

Peter didn't respond as he rubbed his eyes and moaned. He looked at the three of them for a moment and then very quickly made his way to the bathroom, which, by the sound of it, he had made it to just in time.

Lily winced and began a pot of coffee, presumably more for Peter than herself.. She took out a bottle of Advil, poured a glass of water, and prepared a greasy plate of bacon, a la Sirius.

Lily always took extra care of the four friends because, Sirius suspected, she thought that they were incapable of doing so themselves. He had to admit that in most cases, she was right.

The front door opened and Remus entered, shivering.

"It got so cold overnight and I do not appreciate it," he stated.

He unraveled his scarf and took off his jacket, draping it over the dining chair. His hair was wet from a recent shower and his nose was bright red from the cold. He plopped down on the stool next to Sirius.

"Perfect! You're all here!" Sirius announced.

He grabbed the plastic bag of goodies he had purchased for them all the night before and began handing them out, setting aside the orange soda for when Peter recovered.

They were all grateful for Sirius' small gifts and knew that it was his way of apologizing. They had grown accustomed to Sirius' apologies over the past few months, but they always forgave him.

Remus gave him a small smile as he broke his KitKat and took a bite.

"Sirius, what are you doing today?" Remus asked.

"Absolutely nothing," he replied.

"Splendid! I have tickets for an art show at one and Tonks canceled on me. Please, please, please tell me you'll go with me. I'll buy you lunch…" Remus begged.

Sirius knew he would say yes.

"Hmm, depends where you take me to lunch. And what artist it is," Sirius feigned disinterest.

"Anywhere you want, Pads! And, it's a Van Gogh exhibit."

Sirius pretend scoffed, "Ugh, Van Gogh is _soooo_ derivative."

Remus smiled, "I taught you that word."

"Yeah, and you can teach me more when we go this afternoon. Like, synonyms for 'boring.'" Sirius mocked.

Remus' face lit up and he began listing out options for lunch.

Later, Sirius found himself sitting at a drab table across from Remus at Henry's Diner. He had never been here before, but Remus had insisted that they had the best french fries around. Sirius could not pass up that possibility. They had been talking about everything but last night since they got here. Remus had told him all about the book he was reading and Sirius had given him a play-by-play of the previous week's episode of _Big Brother_.

When their food had come, Remus was practically shaking with excitement as Sirius took a bite of a french fry. He had to admit, it was delicious. It had just the right amount of salt and vinegar and it was crispy without losing too much of the soft potato inside.

Sirius nodded, "These are, undeniably, the _best_ french fries around. You were right, Moony."

Sirius took a bite of his sandwich triumphantly, "I always am."

When they got to the art gallery, there was already a line. Sirius hadn't thought it was going to be such a grand event. He knew Van Gogh was one of the most famous artists of all time but he didn't think that this many people cared enough to come to an exhibit on a Thursday afternoon. Remus, cozily wrapped up in his peacoat and black scarf, tugged Sirius by his jacket sleeve toward the front doors.

Remus' eyes wandered around the room, bouncing from painting to painting. Sirius nabbed the tickets out of Remus' hands and handed them to the collector. They were waved through and they made their way to the first painting. Sirius hadn't known that Remus was so passionate about Van Gogh, or, quite frankly, even art.

"I've always wanted to see Van Gogh's work in person," Remus explained, poring over _Bedroom in Arles_.

Sirius glanced over at the canvas, taking in the colors and the brushstrokes and realized he kind of liked it.

"There's something about Van Gogh that I love," Remus continued, "No one thought he was a good painter, in fact, most of the townspeople thought he was a madman and wanted him locked up. He never even got to see the public embrace his work. Nothing like this. I just wish I could somehow let him know how talented he is, how his art resonates with people. But, he'll never know…" He trailed off as they finally reached what appeared to be the main event: _The Starry Night_ , a painting that even Sirius recognized.

When they were in front of it, he looked over at Remus, who had tears in his eyes. Sirius didn't know what to do. It seemed like a very intimate moment. He hadn't known how much this exhibit had meant to Remus.

Sirius squeezed Remus' arm, "You okay?"

"I am more than okay," Remus responded, a wide grin spreading across his face.

Sirius wanted to embrace him then and there, but instead he listened as Remus explained the story behind the painting and the techniques Van Gogh had used. He nodded along, clearly understanding how passionate and excited Remus was about this subject. There's no way in hell he would ever stop him. And he didn't. Remus kept talking about different artists and their life stories all the way back to the car.

Finally, as Remus pulled out onto the road, he quieted. From what Sirius could tell, the excitement of the day had exhausted him.

It began to rain and the sound of it hitting the windshield filled the car as they sat in comfortable silence the rest of the ride home.

It was dark out when Remus finally pulled into the apartment's lot. He had declined the invitation to come inside and Sirius could tell that it would be an early night for him.

Before Sirius got out, Remus stopped him.

"I'm really glad you came with me. I'm sure it was incredibly boring for you but, I had a lot of fun."

Sirius smiled and and looked up at him, "Moony, I had fun. It wasn't boring. I'm sorry you couldn't go with Tonks though."

"I don't think she would have let me talk about Monet's entire life's work after listening to me describe every painting shown at a Van Gogh exhibit for two hours," he replied.

"I bet she would have," Sirius began to feel awkward.

"Yeah," is all Remus responded.

Sirius said goodbye and closed the car door.

As Sirius began drifting off to sleep later that night, his phone buzzed.

If you tell Prongs or Wormtail that I cried at an art gallery, I will end you. :) -Moony

Sirius smiled down at the screen.

I require more french fries and then we'll talk. -Padfoot

Go to sleep. -Moony

You're the one that needs the extra beauty sleep. -Padfoot

There's another art exhibit this weekend wanna come? -Moony

Goodnight. -Padfoot


	4. Drive My Car

Sirius awoke the next morning, drooling onto his sheets, to the sharp noise of someone clearing their throat.

"Well, aren't you just a Sleeping Beauty," Remus joked, standing in the doorway.

Sirius' eyes sprung open and they took a moment to focus on his much-too-awake friend looking down at him.

Sirius groaned, "Why? It's too early to undergo a lecture on cleaning."

"Well, we could start with the nice puddle of drool you have on your sheets as well as your face."

Sirius pretended to ignore him and said excitedly, "C'mere, I wanna show you something!"

Remus looked at him wearily but walked toward him. When he was standing close enough for Sirius to smell the french vanilla cappuccino on his breath, Sirius scooped up the drool drying on his cheek and smacked it into Remus' face.

Remus' eyes widened and he gasped loudly, "Sirius. Orion. Black. You did not just do what I think you did."

Sirius' grin widened as his suppressed laughter began to escape. It wasn't normal laughter, it was the deep laughter that makes you stomach hurt in the best kind of way. His eyes were beginning to tear up as Remus' stormed out of the room, making his way to, Sirius presumed, the bathroom to clean his face off.

A few seconds later, he reappeared, a splotch of red where he had scrubbed too hard.

"It's not that funny!" Remus protested.

Sirius just continued laughing, clutching his stomach.

Remus glared at him. He pulled the pillow from behind Sirius' head and placed it over his mouth, muffling the laughter. As he straddled Sirius, smothering him with his own pillow, James walked down the hallway. He promptly backtracked once he saw what was going on.

"Need help?" James asked.

James startled Remus, causing him to drop the pillow.

Taking a deep breath, Sirius yelled, "Need help?! Need help suffocating your BEST friend? The reason for you very existence? The only light in this bleak, gloomy world? How dare you, James! How dare you even _think_ about depriving your future children, the next generation, the world, of… of… well… of ME."

There was a moment of silence and the two other boys stared at him.

"He's got a point, you know," Remus ceded.

James paused a moment before leaving the room, "Is this what happens when someone awakens Sirius Black, the Sleeping Beauty, before eight a.m.?"

"It's not even eight?! Remus, why would you wound me like this? You know I need _at least_ 10 hours of sleep a night to function at the capacity that I do."

Remus just stared at Sirius, amusement in his eyes.

"Are you gonna get up or do you plan on smothering me for the rest of the day?" Sirius asked, placing his rough hands on Remus' hips, pushing him aside.

Remus, a sheepish look on his face and red creeping up his neck, swung his leg over Sirius' torso and stood up on the hardwood floor.

A few awkward seconds passed before Lily padded down the hallway, "Okay, dorks, who wants coffee?"

As the four of them sat around the dining table, each with a steaming mug of coffee, Sirius thought to finally ask why Remus was here so early in the morning.

"I've been contracted to pick up a Mr. and Mrs. Potter at the airport this morning," Remus explained.

"Thank you again, Rem, I would go but I have to work and so does Lily," James handed Remus a wad of cash, "Here, take this and get breakfast or something."

Before Remus could assure James and Lily that he was happy to do it, Sirius interrupted, saying, "How come I wasn't asked? Euphemia and Fleamont _adore_ me."

"Must you call them by their first names? Lily doesn't even do that," James whined.

"Euphemia and Fleamont are beautiful names and deserved to be said as much as possible," Sirius replied, slyly.

"Besides, we didn't ask you because we didn't know if you were going to be around…" Lily said, a tone of discomfort in her voice.

Sensing the impending conversation in the room, Remus interjected, "If they love you so much, you can come with me! I've never even met them before and I've no idea how to get to the airport anyways."

Sirius grinned, "Only if I can drive."

Remus sighed, a pained expression crossing his face.

"Fine. But, I get music."

Sirius ceded, catching the keys when Remus tossed them to him across the table.

Sirius knew that Remus was secretly relieved he wouldn't have to pick up James' parents alone. He had never met them before and didn't always do so well with first impressions. Awkward social situations tended to bring out the anxiety Remus hid so well.

"It's over an hour's drive so we better get going, though," Remus stated, "especially if we're gonna get breakfast."

Twenty minutes later, Sirius sat across from Remus at Starbucks, sipping his espresso-heavy drink. Remus, living up to all of Sirius' expectations, had ordered a pumpkin spiced latte and was currently blowing away the steam rising from the open cup. Sirius took a long look at him. He was scrolling through something on his phone, holding his cup in front of him. He was wearing a knitted beanie, pulled down over his ears. His jacket was zipped tight and he wore a large scarf. Remus was always cold. It could be the warmest day of the summer and he would still insist it was a bit too chilly for shorts. However, no matter how cozy and soft his sweaters looked, his nose always seemed to be blushed red with cold.

Sirius cleared his throat and began to ask the question that had been on his mind all morning, "So, Re... how are things _really_ going...with, uh… with Tonks?"

Remus put set his phone down and took a long sip of his latte.

"I mean, good, I think," Remus sputtered.

"You think?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah… I mean, I don't have anything to complain about. She's very pretty and she's funny and we get along really well together…"

"But…?" Sirius began.

"But, I don't know, it just seems… it seems like she doesn't really have time to do the things that I want to do or maybe… that, like… I don't know… we don't have an immediate connection. Which, I don't think everyone feels right away, but I guess only time will tell," Remus tried to explain, swirling his latte around in his cup and avoiding direct eye contact.

Sirius was taken aback, "Oh…. Well, that's not really a good sign, but you're right, maybe you'll really connect soon."

"Yeah…" Remus mumbled in reply.

Before Sirius could change the subject, Remus asked, "Can I try your drink?"

Sirius looked at him, astonished, "You realize it doesn't have any sugar or sweetener in it right?"

Remus shrugged, "Maybe my tastes have changed."

After Remus had tried Sirius' drink and then proceeded to order himself an Americano without adding any sugar to it, they made their way back to the car to begin their drive.

"So, you actually like it?" Sirius asked, failing to mask his astonishment.

"It's different. But, in a good way. I feel like it really wakes me up," Remus responded, trying to explain himself.

Sirius knew what he meant, it was the precise reason he loved espresso so much. It was dark and felt earthy going down your throat. The caffeine and the taste woke you up and demanded attention.

"Welcome to the dark side," he grinned and moved his hand to change the station. It was met with a slap to the wrist as Remus changed the input and took the auxiliary cord from the center console.

"Uh, uh, we had a deal. If I have to put up with your terrifying lane changes, you have to put up with my Mumford & Sons."

Sirius suppressed a complaint and turned the windshield wipers on as it began to drizzle.

They didn't talk for most of the ride and if they did it was about nothing in particular. Instead, they listened to the windshield wipers' rhythm as it beat against the rain and the music softly coming out of the speakers: _"And you saw me low, alone again. Didn't they say that only love will win in the end?"_

When they hit traffic, which signaled to Sirius that they were close to the entrance to the busy airport, the car hardlly got a chance to move. He put it in park and pushed his hair back. He hated traffic. he could feel the anxiety and impatience creep up his spine as more and more brake lights reflected on the windshield. Remus must have either sensed or prepared for Sirius' impatience because he had queued up one of Sirius' favorite songs. He turned the volume up and began singing along. Remus' singing voice wasn't good by any means, but at the time, as it sang The 1975, stuck in gridlocked traffic, it was the best performance Sirius had ever seen.

"Oh, where we go, nobody knows," Remus sang.

"With guns hidden under our petticoats," Sirius joined.

They rolled down the windows,sticking their heads into the rainy and screamed along to the song, performing it to all of those around them. Remus began laughing when drivers began honking their horns. He rolled up his window and fell back in his seat, giggling. Sirius finished out the chorus, causing Remus to turn red from laughter, before sitting back in his seat, his long, black hair dripping from the rain.

They looked at each other for a moment across the center console, their shirts soaked and wide grins still spread on their faces. The song ended, but they still stared at each other. Remus' grin slowly faded as vulnerability flashed in his eyes.

"No one makes me laugh like you do," Remus whispered.

Sirius looked back at him and felt his heart rate, along with his breathing, begin to get erratic.

"No one else lets me make them laugh that hard."

And with that, he felt his body propel forward, winning out over all thought and logic. His face began to close the small distance between them. Remus didn't move away, but instead, seemed to actually move forward a centimeter.

A loud honking from the car behind them shook them out of the moment. Sirius looked up and saw that traffic had begun moving again.

"Whoops," he mumbled, as he pressed on the gas, moving the car forward.

Mr. and Mrs. Potter were ecstatic to see Sirius. Upon sight, Euphemia threw her luggage into Fleamont's already full arms and ran up to him, pulling him into a hug.

Sirius hugged her back, "Hi, Mrs. P."

"Oh, dear, it has been far too long. It's so good to see you," she said to him before releasing her grasp and taking a look at him, "You look positively famished. You haven't been eating well, have you? This is what happens when you boys decide to move away from us."

Sirius smiled at her, "Mrs. P, I'm fine! James and Lily keep an eye on me."

A few moments later, Fleamont, laden with bags, towing both his and his wife's suitcases, made his way to them.

"Hi, son, how are you?" He asked, "I'd hug you, but…" he lifted his arms, causing a bag to fall to the ground, spilling its contents.

"I'm good, sir. Even better now that you two are here. Here, let me help you with those." Sirius responded, taking a few of the bags from Fleamont's arms.

Remus, not sure of what to do, bent down to begin scooping up the items that had been strewn across the tiled floor.

Euphemia seemed to just notice him, "And, who is this fine gentleman? A boyfriend, Sirius? "He is quite handsome! Just your type, I would say," She winked at Sirius.

Sirius' mouth went dry and Remus dropped the items he had collected and stood up straight.

"Oh no, honey, that's Remus. You didn't recognize him from the photos?" Fleamont said to his wife.

Sirius, taking Remus' place in picking up the fallen items, regained his speech, "He wishes, Mrs. P."

"Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Potter, I'm Remus Lupin, It's a pleasure to meet you both. I hear amazing things about you two," Remus interjected, finally speaking up.

He shook Fleamont's hand firmly and turned to Euphemia to do the same. Instead, he was immediately, and aggressively, pulled into a hug instead.

Sirius watched her squeeze Remus tightly and chuckled. James' mom was so loving to everyone James' loved. It didn't matter who you were, if James liked you, so did his mother. Sirius continued picking up the things that had fallen out of Fleamont's bag when his hand closed around a small, velvet box. His heart skipped a beat. _Could this be…?_ He checked to make sure no one was watching and discreetly opened the box, revealing a small, gold ring with an impeccable diamond atop it. Sirius almost dropped the box when he saw it. _James is proposing. It's happening!_ He didn't want to ruin the surprise so he quickly stuffed the box back into the bag it fell out of and handed it to Fleamont.

He shot Remus an excited glance and got a very quizzical look in return.

"Later," he mouthed.

Remus nodded.


	5. We Can Work It Out

"It was good to meet you, dear!" Euphemia said, giving Remus another spine-crushing hug.

"You...too!" Remus replied, catching his breath, "I'm sure Lily will invite me over for dinner before you both leave."

"We'll have to make sure of it," she smiled.

"Let me take some of your bags," Sirius interjected.

"Oh, Sirius, you're too sweet!"

Euphemia handed Sirius her bags and gave him a peck on the cheek before continuing into the flat. Fleamont clapped Remus on the back and followed.

Sirius turned and shot a look at Remus. _Don't leave yet._

Remus nodded, understanding.

Moments later, Sirius returned, excitement spread across his face.

"Did you see it?!" Sirius tried to whisper.

"See what? Mrs. Potter's face when she thought I was your boyfriend?"

"No, but that was very entertaining."

"Then what? Tell me!" Remus sighed, exasperated.

"You know, I don't know that I should," Sirius smirked.

Remus glared back at him.

Sirius sighed, "Okay, princess, I'll tell you."

He moved closed to Remus and told him what he had seen on the airport floor.

"A ring?" The excitement was begin to flood into Remus' face.

"Yes, a ring! Do you know what this means?" Sirius couldn't keep his voice down any longer.

Before Remus could reply, he continued, " _it means_ , that I, Sirius Orion Black, am going to finally get the chance to be the Best Man in James Potter's wedding."

Remus rolled his eyes.

"Don't roll your eyes at me! Maybe you can be Lily's Maid of Honor!"

With that, Remus got into his car and left a laughing Sirius standing in the parking lot.

Later that night, Sirius sat in his bed, trying his hardest not to think. He could feel himself spiraling down into a place he didn't want to be.

 _James and Lily are going to get married._

He wasn't daft, he knew that this was going to happen eventually. They were so obviously meant to be together. He had never seen a couple complement each other so well. Where James lacked, Lily excelled and vice versa.

 _But what does that mean for me?_

Sirius knew it was a selfish thought, but he couldn't help but wonder what was going to happen. He couldn't continue living in the flat, he knew that much. Who wants to begin their marriage with a third person living down the hall? Not to mention, if Sirius thought catching them kissing in the kitchen was bad before, he didn't want to think about how it would be when they were newlyweds.

 _What does this mean for all of us? For me, Peter, and Remus?_

 _Remus._

 _Fuck._

He had almost forgotten about what happened in the car earlier. He was hoping that Remus _had_ forgotten.

Sirius grabbed his phone for his mess of tangled sheets.

Padfoot:

 **Re? You awake?**

Moony:

 **I'm always awake - sleep is for the weak.**

Padfoot:

 **Now you sound like me.**

Moony:

 **Can't help it, you were bound to rub off on me eventually.**

Sirius tried not to read too far into that comment and threw his phone into his pillow.

Moony:

 **What's up? Are you okay?**

Padfoot:

 **Yeah, why wouldn't I be?**

Moony:

 **It's pretty late, I don't know.**

Padfoot:

 **Not really.**

Moony:

 **It's 3AM, Pads.**

Padfoot:

 **No, I meant I'm not really okay.**

Moony:

 **Oh. What's going on? Do you need me to come over?**

Padfoot:

 **I'm just over thinking. What's gonna happen when they get married?**

Moony:

 **I don't think much will change, Sirius.**

Sirius took a deep breath. He could feel his heart beating faster. He knew this panicky feeling and he knew that often the only way he could suppress it was to get up and move, to go somewhere.

Moony:

 **If you're gonna leave, please tell us or, at least, me.**

Moony:

 **Sirius?**

Moony:

 **I'm picking you up.**

Sirius opened the car door and sat down. His hair was a mess and he was wearing the same clothes he had worn that morning.

"You don't have to do this or be here," Sirius said into the dark.

"I know I don't have to. I want to," Remus replied, putting the car into drive.

"Where are we going?" Sirius asked.

"You know, I hadn't really thought that far ahead yet…" Remus admitted.

"Where do you normally go when you're feeling like this?" he asked.

"The bar," Sirius replied, matter-of-factly.

Remus sighed in disapproval, "Well, we aren't doing that."

Sirius looked at his friend. Remus' eyes looked tired and his face was studded with day-old stubble. He was wearing his favorite cardigan, the sleeves pulled over his fingers while he drove. Sirius knew that Remus probably had work in the morning and that he most certainly did need his sleep.

They still hadn't spoken a word about what almost happened in the car. And now they were back in that space, the radio softly playing, the center console the only thing separating them. Before Sirius could break the silence, Remus pulled into a fast food drive-thru and rolled down his window.

"Can I get a double cheeseburger, a large fry, and a cherry Cola?" Remus said to the box speaker under the brightly lit menu.

"Will that be all?" a bored voice replied, distorted.

"Um, can I also just get a coffee, light cream and sugar?" He added.

"Yep, pull forward please." the voice answered.

"Thank you!" Remus said forcefully, as he pulled his car up to the first window.

Sirius couldn't believe Remus was ordering fast food coffee, let alone with _light_ cream and sugar. He also couldn't believe that Remus somehow always knew what food would comfort him the most, or that, despite the rest of the group's hatred of cherry Cola, he knew Sirius secretly loved it.

Remus paid and waited for the car in front him to move forward.

"Thank you, Moony," Sirius whispered.

"Of course, Pads, I just want to help you be okay," Remus replied, shyly.

"I wish I knew how you could help," Sirius began, "but it's just like, I,...I feel like everyone has a life going on and I'm just...I'm just stuck. Nothing is moving forward for me, Remus. Where am I supposed to go when James and Lily get married?"

Remus opened his mouth but before he could, Sirius interjected.

"And don't even say that I don't have to leave, I do. I can't stay there. They need their own space, Re, and you know it too."

"You could stay with me until you find your own place…" Remus began.

"You have a one bedroom, you'd hate me in a week," Sirius protested.

"You can sleep on the couch, and I could never hate you, no matter how messy you are, Sirius. And, if you get sick of me, you could always stay with Peter," Remus joked.

"I'd rather be homeless. That boy is disgusting."

After getting their food, Remus kept driving, to where, Sirius had no clue. He didn't really care as long he got to listen to Remus' monologue on why fast food coffee is the bane of his existence. Sirius' stomach growled and he was about to break Remus' car rules when they pulled into a parking lot.

"I'll race you to the swings," Remus dared.

"Oh, you're on," Sirius said as he rolled up his bag of food and balanced his cherry Cola as best he could.

The fast food bag flung back and forth, the fries coming out of their container. Remus was a few feet ahead of him about to fling himself onto a swing. Sirius pulled back, letting Remus claim his victory.

Sirius was laughing as he planted himself on the swing next to Remus, gratefully opening the food and shoving a french fry into his mouth.

"When you let me win, it's not fun!" Remus exclaimed.

"Well, neither is seeing you pout when you lose," Sirius winked.

Sirius began digging into his burger, not caring about the mess he was making or the crumbs sticking to his t-shirt. It was a clear night and the stars were out in full force. Sirius didn't think he'd ever seen so many stars in the sky around London. Although it was the beginning of October, there was a winter chill in the air. They were at a playground that they all used to go to when they first moved to London. Peter would bring a bottle of wine and they would sit on top of the play structure, next to the big tube slide, and pass it around. That was right after they graduated and before any of them had any idea what the fuck they were doing, Sirius still didn't.

"Tell me more about Van Gogh," he asked, still chewing.

Remus looked at him with surprise but obliged.

"Well, he was a little odd. I mean, this is the guy that cut off his ear and gave it to a prostitute."

"I'm sorry, what?" Sirius stopped sipping his drink.

"Yeah, there are quite a few stories that try to explain that but it's impossible to really know what he was thinking. He was deeply depressed and very obviously did not know how to deal with it. He used to eat yellow paint because he thought yellow was a happy color and that if he ate it, he would be happy too," Remus continued.

"Wow, that's fucked up," Sirius responded.

"That's how some of the most amazing art is created, through pain. It's why so many people can look at a painting and relate," Remus looked up at the sky, at the stars.

Sirius followed Remus' gaze and thought back to the art showing and the painting of the stars that brought Remus to tears. Sirius turned to look at him. The way he looked, staring at the stars, thinking of whatever was running through his mind, was art in itself. His sandy brown hair was pushed back, and the moon was reflecting in his eyes. Sirius thought that if he looked at Remus long enough, it would bring _him_ to tears. He thought about what Remus had said about Van Gogh eating yellow paint. He didn't think that Van Gogh was that crazy.

"Re?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah?" Remus looked away from the stars and at him.

"Did you mean it when you said that I could stay with you?" He whispered.

"Of course, Sirius, whenever you need to leave, you can come to me, okay?" Remus reassured him.

"Okay."


	6. Do You Wanna Know a Secret?

"Sirius! Wake uppppppp!" a voice sang in his ear.

He grumbled and shoved the pillow over his face.

"I have pancakes!" another voice sounded, tugging the blankets off of him.

They were lucky that Sirius didn't sleep naked.

"I don't want your damn pancakes," he mumbled into his pillows, refusing to open his eyes even a little bit.

"Are you sure? They have chocolate chips in them," Lily replied, thrusting the plate closer to Sirius' nose.

"One does not simply turn down Euphemia Potter's pancakes," James said.

Sirius' eyes opened. He sat up swiftly, wrestled the plate stacked with pancakes away from Lily and exited the room, taking a seat between Mr. and Mrs. Potter at the kitchen table.

"Of course he only reacts that way when he discovers _I_ didn't make the pancakes…" Lily grumbled to James, following Sirius out into the kitchen.

"Don't take it personally, Lils, he's always been a suck-up." James reassured.

Sirius, preoccupied with the fluffy pancakes in front of him, almost forgot to say good morning to the chef.

"Good morning, Mrs. P, Mr. P! I've never been so excited to wake up before 10 AM."

Euphemia flushed, "Oh, honey, you're so sweet. See, James, _someone_ shows appreciation!"

"I said thank you! James protested.

Sirius smirked and gave James a mockingly admonishing look, "Oh, young James, one day you'll understand…"

James threw a piece of bacon at him.

"Why'd you get back so late, by the way? Hmm?" James asked, arching his eyebrow.

Sirius flushed.

"Oooooh, were you with someone?" Lily put down her mug of coffee and searched Sirius' face for some kind of giveaway.

"Don't be daft, Lil, I was just with Remus. We went and got food and walked around that old park we used to go to, remember?" Sirius replied, trying a little too hard to squash the theories swimming around in her head.

Trying to move on from that particular topic of conversation, Sirius turned to the Potters.

"What are you two up to today?" he asked.

"Lily is bringing us to the shopping mall to do some shopping!" Euphemia replied, excitedly. Fleamont, on the other hand, didn't look particularly thrilled about the plans.

"Speaking of which, we should probably get going! Bloomingdale's opens soon and they are having a wicked sale. We need to get there before everyone else takes all the good stuff," Lily said, a look of fierce competition in her eyes.

Sirius shuddered. He suddenly felt _very_ sorry for Mr. Potter.

James offered to clean up and Lily and Euphemia shuffled out the door, Fleamont trudging behind. As soon as the door closed behind them, Sirius turned to James, who looked back it him, confused.

"What…?" James asked, "Is there something on my face?"

Sirius only kept looking at him.

"What…?! What the fuck do you want?" James yelled.

Another second passed.

"SIRIUS. WHAT?" James was on the verge of tackling him.

"I know something…" Sirius responded mischievously.

"I know the fact that you are able to retain some form of knowledge is surprising but that doesn't explain anything," James joked.

"I would be incredibly insulted by what you just said to me but, I'm too busy knowing _things other people don't know_ ," Sirius replied, a wicked grin spreading across his face.

"Are you going to tell me or just brag about the knowing of said 'things people don't know?'" James' face was starting to redden.

Sirius knew he was beginning to push James' bullshit tolerance but he was having too much fun to stop.

Sirius rubbed his chin and looked up at the ceiling, pondering his options.

James lunged for him, a dirty spatula in his hand.

As he moved to swing, the front door opened, and Remus walked in, his nose in a book. James paused for only a moment but continued when Remus, still reading, took off his scarf, placed his jacket on the coat hook, and went into the living room.

"ET TU, REMUS?" Sirius yelled as the spatula slapped his arm, leaving a red mark and pancake batter.

After James got in a few more swats, Remus returned.

"James, may I ask why you are hitting Sirius with a spatula?" he asked.

James dropped the spatula in the sink and Sirius scrambled to the other side of the kitchen.

Before James could respond, Sirius cut in, "Because I know things other people don't know."

"Are we talking about the proposal thing?" Remus asked, laughter in his eyes as he ruined Sirius' game.

"WAIT, WHAT?" James looked from Remus to Sirius and back again.

Sirius shook his head at Remus, "You've gone too far, Moony. You have broken our bond. I gave you some of my fries last night and _this_ is what I get in return?"

"The one you dropped down the slide!" Remus goaded.

"It was a curly fry among normal fries! It doesn't matter where it fell, it was still a sacrif-"

"CAN YOU TWO SHUT THE FUCK UP?" James bellowed.

They looked at James.

"How do you know about the proposal?" James demanded.

Sirius nodded at Remus to answer the question.

"A, uh, certain ring fell out of your father's bag at the airport yesterday. We only assumed…"

"Oh," James began, "you don't think Lily has any idea, do you?"

Lily was often incredibly perceptive. She always seemed to know when James and Sirius were about to pull a joke on Peter. But, what Sirius loved about her is that she only _sometimes_ put a stop to it. She was smart but Sirius knew that she didn't like to assume. She would never expect James to ask her to marry him because she was perfectly content with where they were. That's not saying that she wouldn't say yes, because, the whole group knew she loved James more than any of them had ever seen someone love another person. It shocked them all every day, especially James.

"She doesn't have a clue," Sirius said, returning to James' side.

James breathed a sigh of relief and chuckled, "Now that you two know, I can enlist your help with The Proposal…"

Sirius expected as much.

"When are you gonna do it?" he asked.

James couldn't contain his excitement, "Halloween."

"Well, we be better get started then," Remus grinned.

A few hours later, after James divulged his plan and Remus had left for work, Sirius found himself wanting to go for a walk. Today felt good. He couldn't remember the last time he felt that way. He tried to chalk it up to the amazing pancakes he had that morning or the beginnings of a scheme for The Proposal but he had a feeling it had something to do with last night. He didn't know how to explain it but after Remus dropped him off, he had felt… lighter.

They still hadn't talked about the almost kiss earlier that week. It was driving Sirius crazy wondering what Remus was thinking. He obviously wasn't weirded out by the whole ordeal, or he was really good at hiding it.

Sirius ran his hand through his hair and decided not to ruin this feeling. He saw Remus' scarf hanging on the coat rack and before he could over think it, grabbed it and looped it around his neck, opened the door and headed out.

He didn't know where he was going but he took a right out of the flat and kept walking.

It was a beautiful day despite the chill. There was a soft breeze carrying the scent of leaves and promise of colder weather. The sun was shining and Sirius couldn't help but smile. For the first time in a while, he had no desire to be anywhere else.

He kept walking, not really sure where he was going. Not until he rounded a corner and found himself standing in front of a little coffee shop. This was where Remus worked, why he perpetually smelled of french vanilla coffee. It also happened to be Sirius' favorite cafe in the entire city.

Common Grounds had been around since long before Sirius and his friends had moved to the city. Lily often joked that London itself was built around the tiny cafe. For them, that's how it was. They started there and then began exploring the shops and areas around it. Their flat was right around the corner and it was the first place they ventured to after moving in. Remus, who had moved to the city before the rest of them in order to take a few uni classes, lived in a flat located directly next door. Remus started working there soon after classes ended. Back then, they all spent an incredible amount of time sitting inside of that cafe. Peter even started calling it Central Perk and, much to Sirius' chagrin, started referring to Sirius as Joey Tribbiani. Sirius felt like he was much more of a Chandler Bing type.

Sirius opened the cafe door, the bell ringing as he stepped inside. The building was old but the owners tried hard to keep it modern. The walls were plain except for framed artwork, probably from local artists. What he loved most about the place was the overwhelming amount of plants. In every corner there was a fern, each table had at least one succulent, and there were plants hanging from every available spot on the high-vaulted ceilings. The center of the dining space were reserved for couches and armchairs, all mismatched. Anywhere there was space, there were bookcases stacked high with books and board games that people would donate. You didn't have to pay for them, you could just take one and, if you felt like it, bring one from home to give back.

Sirius scanned the room for Remus but didn't see him, not right away least. He had to squint, but he thought he could sandy brown hair peeking out through the greenery in the far left corner. Sure enough, a few seconds later, Remus emerged, his shirt soaked, holding a watering can.

"You know, you're supposed to get the water _in_ the pots, right?" Sirius joked.

Remus started.

"Sirius, you scared me!" Remus replied, gripping the can tight to avoid anymore spillage.

Sirius looked at the dripping boy standing in front of him and stifled a laugh.

He was wearing black jeans and a long burgundy cardigan. Tied around his waist was a Common Grounds apron, which was supposed to protect his clothes. He wore the same beanie he wore that day in the car and a resigned expression.

"Good to see you too," Sirius smirked.

Remus paused and looked at the scarf around Sirius' neck, "Is that my scarf?"

Sirius blanched even though he knew he didn't any reason to do so: they borrowed clothes from one another all the time at the flat.

 _But you don't almost kiss anyone else the flat._

Sirius cleared his throat, "Um, you left it there, so I figured it was mine now."

"Hardy, har, har," Remus rolled his eyes, "can I get you anything?"

"Surprise me," Sirius challenged.

Remus rolled his eyes again and disappeared into the back room to dispose of the watering can and to wash his hands.

Sirius sat down on one of the couches and took out his phone.

Lily posted a few photos of her and Mr. and Mrs. Potter out shopping. Euphemia stood in front of a big store with glass doors holding at least a dozen shopping bags. If Sirius looked closely he thought he could see Fleamont looking very grim in the corner.

He chuckled to himself as Remus returned with a steaming cup.

Sirius knew that he could trust Remus with the duty of surprising him with a drink fit his tastes. Sirius asked him to surprise him almost every time he came into the cafe these days. He loved seeing what Remus could come up with.

Remus opened his mouth to explain what it was when a voice called his name behind the counter. A line of customers was waiting for him.

"Good luck," was all Remus said before going back to work.

Sirius sniffed the mug, it smelled like french vanilla. It smelled like Remus.

As much as Sirius loved the way Remus smelled ( _what?),_ the few times he had tried french vanilla, the drink had been way too sweet. He took a tentative sip and found that the drink was absolutely perfect. It tasted of french vanilla that coated his throat with as he swallowed but it was also delightfully bitter. This was, by far, the best drink Remus had made for him.

Sirius stood up and got in line behind a girl ordering a very long and complicated drink.

He tried to smile as he watch Remus trying to remember everything she wanted, or everything she _didn't_ want. He recited her order back to her and, somehow, remembered it perfectly. The girl paid and stepped aside.

"What is this…this delicious… _thing_?" Sirius demanded.

Remus laughed, "It's just a french vanilla macchiato, nothing too special. The girl in front of you just ordered one, well, it was a macchiato before she destroyed it anyway…"

"What's in it?"

Remus smiled, accomplished, "milk, a tiny pump of french vanilla, and espresso, in your case an extra shot."

Sirius took another sip and sighed contently, "This is why I love you!"

Remus laughed sheepishly, "yeah, yeah."

Sirius realized what he said and blushed.

"I mean, you're just such a good friend!" he added.

"Oh, I know I am," Remus responded, "none of you deserve me."

"I'm on my break in…" he looked at the clock, "well, now, actually. You wanna sit?"

Sirius hesitated. He felt so embarrassed and that good feeling from earlier was starting to fade.

"Nah, I gotta stop at the record store and pick up my schedule," Sirius lied.

After bouncing from job to job for a little while, Sirius finally got hired at the vintage record store just two blocks away. He loved it there, he got to listen to music all day and explore so many different kinds of genres. He grew to have an appreciation for any and all kinds of music. Except country, he still hated country.

He had been working there for almost a year and a half now, the longest he's ever worked anywhere before. But, that was before his spontaneous trip to Vegas. He hadn't called to tell Joe, the owner, that he would be gone and didn't show up for any of his shifts. When he returned, Joe had to let him go. He understood why but he was too ashamed to tell any of the others. He'd been hiding it for months now and didn't see a reason to come clean now. Although, he suspected they all knew anyways and just didn't say anything because they didn't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel bad.

He'd gotten lucky that James and Lily were okay with his excuses on why he was short on rent but he didn't know how long that could last and he hated putting that burden on them.

Remus nodded, a look Sirius couldn't decipher, in his eyes.

"Okay, I'll see you later. I'm glad you like the macchiato, I'll make sure to remember that one," Remus responded.

Sirius waved goodbye letting the bells clang loudly behind him as he shut the door.

He was still wearing Remus' scarf.

Sirius' head hurt. He was mad that he thought today was going to be a good day. He was mad that he let his day get ruined by his own thoughts.

If he was being honest with himself, he hadn't stopped thinking about that almost kiss since it happened. He'd just been burying it underneath everything that was going on.

Sirius wrapped his coat tight around himself and walked to the playground. He sat on the same swing he had been on when he was with Remus not too long ago. He started pumping his legs, pushing himself higher and higher. He tried to focus on the movement in his legs and to stop thinking that, if he got to see Remus smile the way he did in the coffee shop, he would drink whatever concoction Remus could think tried to stop thinking about the way Remus' hair peeked out of his beanie and the way he rolled his eyes at all of Sirius' stupid comments. He tried to stop thinking of his lips grazing Remus' in a car on a rainy day with music playing and horns honking. He tried to not to think as he leaped of the swing and landed in the wood chips.

 _Fuck it._

Sirius could feel his heart thumping and anxiety rise up into his esophagus. He needed to talk to Remus. He needed to tell him how he felt. He knew it was a risk, but he couldn't live like this. He couldn't see Remus every day and not tell him that almost kiss was better than any actual kiss he'd ever had. He practically ran back to the coffee shop.

The bells dinged again and spotted Remus behind the counter, pouring a cup of tea.

"Remus!" Sirius practically shouted.

Taken aback once more, Remus turned around, wincing as hot water splashed on his hand.

"Sirius? Are you okay?" Remus asked upon seeing Sirius' frantic look.

"I need to tell you something," Sirius began, "I haven't been able to stop thinking about yo-"

"OH MY GOODNESS, SIRIUS!" Lily bounded over from a table across the room,  
"Wait until you see the Halloween costumes I just picked out for James and I. You're going to love it because it involves a starfish bra."

Remus looked at Sirius quizzically.

Sirius, trying to take in his current surrounding without the Remus Tunnel Vision, cleared his throat, "Ahem, uh, wow! I am terrified. You can't do that to the children of London, Lily!"

"Oh, I'm sure you'll come up with something equally horrifying, Sirius," Lily replied.

"Oh, you have no idea," Remus giggled from behind the counter.

Remus shot Sirius a knowing glance.

"If you'll excuse me," Sirius said, "I have to go see a man about a horse."

And with that, Sirius left the cafe, his hands shoved into his pockets.

He walked back to the flat, went into his room and closed the door. He shoved his face into his pillows and willed himself to fall asleep and dream about something else. He did.

A few hours later, a vibrating on his bedside table awoke him.

Moony:

(1:52 PM) How's the horse?

Padfoot:

(1:55 PM) Unsatisfactory. Had him sent to the factory to make some glue.

Moony:

(2:01 PM) You disgust me.

Padfoot:

(2:05 PM) That's what I do best.

Moony:

(2:06 PM) You were gonna tell me something?

Sirius' heart skipped a beat.

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck._

Padfoot:

(2:13 PM) Yeah, I just wanted to say that I couldn't stop thinking about your story about Van Gogh cutting off his ear. Like, wtf?

He had another message.

Prongs:

(2:13 PM) Hey losers, I made this group to talk about plans for THE THING WE CAN'T TALK ABOUT. We have a week and half to make this happen. You ready?

Padfoot:

(2:14 PM) Born ready.

Wormtail:

(2:15 PM) I bet 10 bucks she says no.

Prongs:

(2:17 PM) That's a good sign. You were never any good at gambling.

Sirius phone vibrated again, he looked down expect a tirade from Peter but instead saw Remus' reply.

Moony:

(2:20 PM) Hey, can we talk about something?

Padfoot:

(2:20 PM) Yeah, what's up?

Moony:

(2:21 PM) It's about what happened in the car the other day.

Padfoot:

(2:21 PM) Oh. Okay. I was hoping we could never talk about that again. I'm embarrassed. I don't know what was going through my mind, I'm sorry. I was just sad and you were making me laugh and yeah…

Moony:

(2:22 PM) No, no. My issue is that I wanted you to kiss me. I don't know what that means.

Sirius threw his phone across the room.


End file.
